Tag Archives: funny

Taxi Joke

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

Hearing Problem Joke

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.” To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will five times!”

Baby names joke

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother — he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise,” the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!” Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”

The doctor replies, “DeNephew.”

New year dream

My first dream of the new year included a group of guys chasing my car… Really odd don’t cha think?
The car approached an intersection and was about to make a left turn. Suddenly, four guys in black suits and red ties jump in the middle of the road and started singing & dancing! Their moves were in sync with the car’s movement too! After turning, I just laughed to myself at the ridiculous scene I just witnessed. When I turned around to see the scene one more time, I saw the four guys running very hard towards my car! I was surprised but still found it pretty funny. They continued to dance & sing every time the car stopped and continued their chase every time my car drove away. They stuck their faces to the windshield one by one to see who was in the car but could only see the back of my head. I was just laughing uncontrollably at this situation.
Then, i finally arrived at my destination. I enter a hallway and notice four red balloons taped at each step of the stairway with a guy standing underneath each one to hand out something. I tried to avoid them by stepping around the balloons to reach the end of the stairs. A person offered me to pick three numbers from a box of numbered ping pong balls. I got 11, 11, 13. I won a gift and was told to go backstage. I meet this good looking white guy that is apparently my friend. He talks to me about some girl he likes and that he even chased her in a moving car but couldn’t see her. All he knows is that she has white shades. I was laughing inside myself because I thought the dancing guys scene was just a prank and joke. I didn’t know he was preparing so much just for a girl he liked. He seemed starstruck and wanted me to say something but I wasn’t sure how to admit this confusion so I excused myself to get some coffee. I meet the other dancing guys at the coffee machine and one of them recognized me so I admitted to being the one in the car and we all laughed at the situation. The main guy who prepared all this finally realized that it was me and started to act shy around me. His friends tries to help him but I didn’t know what to do either. Overall, when I finally woke up, I found this whole situation enjoyable, realistic, pleasant and hilarious. I kind of wished this actually happened to me. haha

Commercial Joke

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”

“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”

“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

Panda Joke

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, “What do you want?” The bartender replies, “First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.” The panda bear turns around and says, “Hey! I’m a Panda. Look it up!” The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: “Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it’s stark black and white coloring. EATS SHOOTS and LEAVES.”

Computer Joke

True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”
Tech: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
Tech: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”
Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it… “
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it.
The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Elderly Joke

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.

So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, “Son, the house is just gorgeous but it’s really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it’s much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don’t need the house, but thank you anyway.”

Then she explained to her second son, “Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don’t drive and I really don’t like that driver, so please return the car.”

Next, she went to son number three and said, “Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious.”

Sherlock Joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?”
Watson said, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”
Watson: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes: “Somebody stole our tent.”