Dream: July 17, 2019

I dreamed about rolling around in flour on a large table in an apartment.  There was also a fish tank where I fed some little fish. The tank cracks and the water flowed out along with the little fish. I scoop up the fish to save them. Then I’m in the middle floor of an apartment or condo, rolling on a table marked by a snowflake symbol.  The table was covered in flour and I’m rolling around the flour while wearing a dark coat. I get up and walk around the apartment to look around.  Then I wake up.

How to handle me being upset

I have times when I feel upset.  I just need time to go through those feelings so let me be.  It’s a natural reaction to things that don’t go your way.  I just need time to process it and then I can let it go.  Don’t let me dwell on it too much though.  Let me distract myself or help me with it.  Give me some space and time to think it through.  Let me listen to some music to drown it out, laugh at something funny, forget about it for a while and then I’ll come back up and be okay, thinking it wasn’t that big of a deal after all.  Hopefully.

I wonder when I can ever grow up from it.  Maybe eventually but right now, I just need to feel validated for feeling my feelings first. Then, I can properly process it and see the whole picture and eventually, the positive side of it all.

 

Blown off

I was blown off last minute by him today because apparently his mom ordered him food at home and he was tired. I understand the tiredness but some notice would be nice as it would be respectful to the other party. “Have mercy on me” he says, makes it sound like he’s the victim here…why? I was the one feeling hurt and I’m just trying to be honest with my feelings when you asked. It’s completely normal for me to feel this way so why are you letting me doubt myself?

Of course I would feel slightly peeved about being blown off last minute. Someone told you that they would be meeting you so you prepare for that meeting. Then, they tell you last minute that they decided to not go anymore due to some lame excuse like “mom ordered me food”.  You don’t think that would hurt a little? Especially since I made the effort to make food.

Give me some right to feel a bit upset too. The way he puts it is like I’m in the wrong for feeling mad. I don’t even know how to explain it to him. Just saying “Don’t feel peeved”, doesn’t just magically make the feelings go away. It’s like telling a depressed person “Just don’t feel sad” and poof, you magically expect them to suddenly be happy? Geez, why doesn’t it ever work so easily, right?  All I need from you is for you to validate these feelings and let me some time to process it. Then I distract myself, laugh at something random and then it’s not such a big deal anymore. That’s how I handle it so give me some sympathy too. I can understand the tiredness of overwork so just be honest about it, not some lame excuse like “my mom ordered me food”. I made effort too because I care but I guess I now know how much he cares back.

From this, I’ve learned what his priorities are in life. Anything his mom says will be first and foremost. Then work or his favourite basketball game. I don’t think I matter anymore as I feel taken for granted at times.  Like he expects my time to always be open to accommodate him or something. Yet when he blows me off, he expects me to still be okay with it? Like I have no right to feel upset about something? As if feeling upset is not allowed and will “deduct points” because I’m somehow supposed to never be honest with these natural reactions. Let me feel my feelings for once and just give me some time to process it, okay?  Afterwards, I can understand your point of view and maybe be as understanding as you need me to be. Am I being crazy to think like this? You expect sympathy out of me for blowing me off, so why don’t you sympathize with how I feel for being blown off too then?

 

Dream: May 28, 2019

I dreamed about eating ice-cream at a free buffet with a friend.  It was nice and sweet.  It was the last hours of the free buffet so only the dessert booths were open. We tried to look for others and ended up looking for deer.  My friend tried to use a gun to shoot some deer.  I just hid behind.  Afterwards, my dream changed to being in a car driven by my uncle. He drove me to his new home which was a shack.  His wife handed me a bouquet of flowers and then we left to find my mom at an arcade.  Then I woke up.

Dream: May 27, 2019

I randomly dreamt about bees making honey. I was in one of those suits to prevent being stung, however, I did not have my face covered. I was not scared of being stung in the face. I went up to a rack with honey combs and took one out, dripping with honey. I let it fall into a jar and then scrapped as much as I could using the side of the shelf. I could see bees swarming around me but none of them wanted to sting me. They were just watching and waiting for me to finish my job. I filled a small jar of honey and then put the honeycomb back into the rack, leaving the bees alone. Then I crawled onto a roof of a house with an umbrella waiting for someone I don’t know. Then I woke up.

cute compliment

My boyfriend said something that I thought was so cute in the passing:

I was waiting for him outside the washroom and sat on a chair typing away at my phone. He comes out without expecting me to be there and looks around casually. He sees me and pauses for a second, then smiles and walks towards me. Once he reached me, he told me that the first thoughts that passed through his mind where “Who’s that pretty girl sitting over there? Oh wait a minute, she’s mine!” I thought that was kind of cute, open and flattering of him to say because it reminded me of this couple comic I saw online before. Afterwards, he gave me a tight hug before we held hands and walked back into the mall.

Lunch party: meeting his classmates

So my boyfriend took me to this lunch party of his gal-friend’s boyfriend twin birthday (I know, I was confused too). I was super nervous and freaking out internally because I had no clue what to expect. I did not know a single person and I was awkwardly seated in the middle space surrounded by his dental classmates/couples (I’m still not used to this couple idea). I seem to have a tendency to be super quiet in new group settings and I always worry if it looks like I am awkward and out of place. I just don’t know when to chip in or when to put a word in that carries the conversation so I just don’t even try. I am usually only good at one on one conversations rather than a big group. Even three people is pushing it for me sometimes…and this was 10!

I was so mentally and emotionally exhausted inside afterwards. I talked to the galfriends more at the lunch…actually it was more like they tried to talk to me first because I was too shy to speak up. I didn’t know what to say because I was overwhelmed by the amount of stimuli going on from different types of people. I wasn’t sure who to talk to first. I wanted to appear polite and everything but apparently it was low-key and I even brought a little gift card with my boyfriend. Seeing that no one else did, that worried me that it was a little too much.

Afterwards, we went to play billiards/pool right across from the sushi place. Initially it was bowling but then it changed to this after a quick suggestion. It was fun but the group got split up into two with an engaged couple against us. I did well in the first game but then I slacked up and was less competitive in the end because I didn’t want to win awkwardly by myself anymore. I still don’t feel used to my boyfriend in social settings yet and it feels like he’s pushing it to the next level here and there. I don’t know what to do but I do know that I need to push myself out of my comfort zone from time to time so I went with the flow. This time, I was so out of it and couldn’t hold a conversation for long. I felt bad because I usually can with strangers at work but I didn’t feel I was cool or confident enough to do anything. I honestly felt like I wanted to just go hide under a rock. I didn’t think I fit in well but apparently my boyfriend thinks I “did great”. Though he did ask me from time to time “are you doing okay?” so I might have appeared not okay to him. Maybe I’m just feeling unconfident then? I knew I froze up from time to time and I wonder if he can tell.

I think I learned that I shouldn’t talk to the other gal-friend’s boyfriend without permission with them being there. When saying bye to the birthday boy, we hugged and talked a little about work with my boyfriend there. He seemed like a nice person and apparently my boyfriend says he thinks I’m really nice too so I guess I didn’t do too bad. I don’t think I automatically clicked well with the other girlfriends because I was too quiet but they were nice and sociable. I just wasn’t sure who to talk to at first and I didn’t like being in the middle at all. I’m more of a sideline and wallflower kind of person at social gatherings so this was way out of my comfort zone. I just feel comfortable with listening and being quiet in groups so I just laughed along with other people’s jokes. It was interesting to observe my boyfriend telling jokes to the group, he seemed comfortable with it which was nice. The other engaged couple seemed like a power couple and was pretty cool but I felt like I couldn’t fit in because I was still trying to get used to the idea that I am part of a couple. For some reason, I still cringe at that romantic words like “couple”, “boyfriend”, “girlfriend”, etc. but they all seemed comfortable with it. I’m trying to get used to doing coupley things with my boyfriend without feeling awkward or uncomfortable, so having to do that in front of judging people is making me feel even more uncomfortable. Also, the fact that these people knew his ex is constantly at the back of my mind which made it even more worrisome for me.

I’m worried they won’t want to invite me out again because of my awkward first impression behaviour and I’ll feel bad that it’ll reflect badly on my boyfriend. I’m so sorry, man. However, I did give a fair warning to my boyfriend about how awkward and quiet I can get when meeting new people.

Right now, I just feel there’s an uncomfortable rift in me and I was so worried he was going to break up with me because of me doing horribly with his Australian mates. I felt it was a little premature for me but he was so excited to introduce me into his life and now I feel bad that I might have ruined it for him by being uncomfortable. I’m just doing my best. Please don’t give up on me.