Phobia from childhood

Old post that I found from when I was a kid:

I think I have insect phobia but only towards certain types of insects and only their visual aspects. I don’t faint or have a seizure as people with severe symptoms do, but I do have a hard time breathing and my heart palpitates very fast and my body shakes and goosebumps take over my skin. I will be fully aware of its presence and panic when it moves around that I will keep staring at the bug even if I don’t want to. I don’t know what’s the root of my problem but I think I was highly affected by my environment. Basically, I’m easily influenced by others. (not always good) I think the first thing that suggested insect fear was an anime called inu-yasha where the main heroine, Kagome, is scared of bugs. I think I wanted to imitate her so slowly this fear developed. Afterwards, I found that my peers (mostly girls) had this disgust of bugs too and I wanted to fit in so my fear of insects continued to progressively increase until it became so irrational that whenever I see the shape, color or movement of a bug, I will become scared and start to shake and my heart will start to pulse harder. The bigger the bug, the harder I shake and hyperventilate. I can handle small bugs such as mosquitos and fruit flies (and maybe flies) because they are harder to see now. But bugs that have shiny and glistering shells makes me irrationally scared. I’m quite frustrated because then I can’t think straight and I feel the need to distance myself from the insect as far as possible. The closer I get, the more scared I get, but I don’t mind being close to the insect once I’m used to it and that the insect doesn’t move.

I believe that this fear is completely and utterly irrational so much that I am very frustrated with myself every time this happens. Once this fear settles in, I always feel very angry at my own unreal thinking about my fear. I totally know that this is irrational and meaningless and completely stupid and makes me look foolish but the symptoms of this fear is hard to control when I’m presently in that kind of situation with the object of my fear. Normal people (such as the people in the my house) find me stupid when I’m in those situations and will not help me out, (except maybe my mother) because it’s just stupid because they know the insect will not attack me but I’m just throughly disgusted by it to the point that I fear it every single time. I really wish to calm down in these kind of situations. I’m very sorry that I bother other people because of own irrational thinking of this fear.    
This is stupid because people keep telling me that bugs are smaller than you so they are more afraid of us than we are afraid of them. I know , I know, but the fear still creeps in.

Au revoir! Ni hao! Good bye! ^_^

Dream: July 17, 2019

I dreamed about rolling around in flour on a large table in an apartment.  There was also a fish tank where I fed some little fish. The tank cracks and the water flowed out along with the little fish. I scoop up the fish to save them. Then I’m in the middle floor of an apartment or condo, rolling on a table marked by a snowflake symbol.  The table was covered in flour and I’m rolling around the flour while wearing a dark coat. I get up and walk around the apartment to look around.  Then I wake up.

How to handle me being upset

I have times when I feel upset.  I just need time to go through those feelings so let me be.  It’s a natural reaction to things that don’t go your way.  I just need time to process it and then I can let it go.  Don’t let me dwell on it too much though.  Let me distract myself or help me with it.  Give me some space and time to think it through.  Let me listen to some music to drown it out, laugh at something funny, forget about it for a while and then I’ll come back up and be okay, thinking it wasn’t that big of a deal after all.  Hopefully.

I wonder when I can ever grow up from it.  Maybe eventually but right now, I just need to feel validated for feeling my feelings first. Then, I can properly process it and see the whole picture and eventually, the positive side of it all.


Dream: May 28, 2019

I dreamed about eating ice-cream at a free buffet with a friend.  It was nice and sweet.  It was the last hours of the free buffet so only the dessert booths were open. We tried to look for others and ended up looking for deer.  My friend tried to use a gun to shoot some deer.  I just hid behind.  Afterwards, my dream changed to being in a car driven by my uncle. He drove me to his new home which was a shack.  His wife handed me a bouquet of flowers and then we left to find my mom at an arcade.  Then I woke up.

Dream: May 27, 2019

I randomly dreamt about bees making honey. I was in one of those suits to prevent being stung, however, I did not have my face covered. I was not scared of being stung in the face. I went up to a rack with honey combs and took one out, dripping with honey. I let it fall into a jar and then scrapped as much as I could using the side of the shelf. I could see bees swarming around me but none of them wanted to sting me. They were just watching and waiting for me to finish my job. I filled a small jar of honey and then put the honeycomb back into the rack, leaving the bees alone. Then I crawled onto a roof of a house with an umbrella waiting for someone I don’t know. Then I woke up.

cute compliment

My boyfriend said something that I thought was so cute in the passing:

I was waiting for him outside the washroom and sat on a chair typing away at my phone. He comes out without expecting me to be there and looks around casually. He sees me and pauses for a second, then smiles and walks towards me. Once he reached me, he told me that the first thoughts that passed through his mind where “Who’s that pretty girl sitting over there? Oh wait a minute, she’s mine!” I thought that was kind of cute, open and flattering of him to say because it reminded me of this couple comic I saw online before. Afterwards, he gave me a tight hug before we held hands and walked back into the mall.

Third date: big reveal

So he picked me up for the first time with his car after my meeting with an old friend. It was a little difficult trying to find each other at first because I was lost and he was guiding me through the phone to find his car. It was sort of fun and I felt like I was in a game. When I finally found it, he told me that it was his first time picking up a girl in a car and he seems delighted by this “landmark” he calls it. I just chuckled at his innocent remark. We went on our way and we chatted about our days. We went to Edwards Gardens via his phone map, which he was particular about. He said he won’t drive over the speed limit because he wanted to keep me safe. I was laughing internally by his cute remarks. We reached the park and walked around holding hands. But first, he hugged me and lifted me up because I was shorter. The walk was nice and relaxing but I was keeping the time in my mind because we had to reach the movie theatres by a certain time. We talked and in the passing, he said he liked me and I, him. He wrapped his arms around me on the bridge, which felt nice. We walked up some stairs to a little hut and explored a bit. When we got to the car and tried to leave the parking lot, there were a lot of cars going the other way so we went the other way. Suddenly the car started vibrating and he wondered if it was the road. This went on for a while until we almost reached the theatres where I looked into the car manual for the light. Apparently his brake was still on the whole time! We giggled and he felt so embarrassed by his mistake.  I tried to comfort him because it was alright to me. I found his awkward nervousness actually nice and refreshing because it meant he cared enough to not mess up, unlike my ex who cared more about looking cool. We made it to the theatre safely but I worry for his car a bit. Then we went to the theatre together. He pre-bought the tickets and selected middle seats which were nice. We watched “a Quiet Place” due to its good ratings (he likes things with good reviews). He ordered some popcorn without butter oil and pop to share. I learned about diet coke and coke zero having no sugar, which he preferred due to its effect on teeth. These facts are interesting to learn. He had trouble sliding his table out so I reached over to help him but it was stuck. While that happened, he patted me on the back and said “Hmm, I like this” in a frank and funny manner. The movie was tense, suspenseful and well-put together, enough for me to impulsively grab onto his arm and cuddle up to him a little. I felt embarrassed that I did that but he offered his hand each time for me to hold. I think I like the shape of his hands; long, smooth and flexible. He said he liked my hands too because of its softness and small size. Anyways, it was a cute and embarrassing moment for me. I think he enjoyed it and even said “we should watch more scary movies”, despite his fear of them. During most of the movie, he mostly froze, held my hands and laughed inappropriately as his coping mechanism. After the movie, we walked around the plaza and then went into his favourite store, Roots. He saw some socks on sale that he always wanted to get and insisted that I get the women’s equivalent to match him. It was a cute but embarrassing idea. I’ve never done something like this before with my ex. He did get me a pink t-shirt to match his blue souvenir t-shirt when he traveled for a bachelor’s party but that was the end of it. My favourite colour was blue though and my ex’s favourite colour was pink, so it sort of got switched due to the sizes.

Anyways, I offered to buy the socks as a celebratory gift for him getting two job offers recently. He was delighted and took up the offer. He said he always wanted to get those socks but never found them on sale. Eating with him still makes me uncomfortable because I’m constantly aware of having something stuck in my teeth with him. I’m trying to be more comfortable but it’ll take time. I don’t know why but I actually kind of hope this one lasts. Something about him just feels right because we’re similar in our thinking and interests, which was quite different from my last one. Though it’s an unfair comparison.

Next, we looked around for dinner and I suggested the congee queen that I used to frequent with my family. He tried many others before and was skeptical about the taste in different areas so was pleasantly surprised by the taste there. We worked together to figure out a good balance of food and again, ordered too much. Though it was a good balance of rice, meat and veggies. We packed and splited the leftovers. Before we left, I hinted at something I wanted to ask him but was too uncomfortable to because I thought it would be too early. He replied saying that I should tell him after we leave so we left the place and then asked me to just say it. I still couldn’t bring myself to ask and I shied away. Seeing my struggle, he took the chance to ask if I could be his girlfriend. I skipped a beat and said okay. He hugged me in delight and said he felt so lucky. I then explained why I said that I felt “conflicted” before in the restaurant because there were still other people asking me out but I didn’t feel like going. I thought that I should clarify with him first so I can move on and date others if he wasn’t sure what he wanted from me and was fine with me doing that. My original question was “did you want to date exclusively or not?” which I guess had the same context as being girlfriend and boyfriend. Throughout the night, I was still too shy to admit the new status while he was so happy to say “girlfriend’ to me all the time. We went into a gelato store and shared an icecream: strawberry and cookies’n’creme. He liked the strawberry flavour more. We held hands and talked about our past a little bit more. He said he had one previous 3-year relationship back in Australia during his schooling which was nice and supportive during the stress. However, there were fundamental differences that he knew wouldn’t work out in the end. I tried to ask but apparently they were more serious topics like the prospect of having children or not. I didn’t mind discussing these topics because it’s actually quite important to know but I backed off a bit because I worried it would make him uncomfortable discussing this so early. Anyways, we enjoyed our time and he said he didn’t want to leave but we had to because it’s getting late and I remembered he had work the next day. He hugged me some more and took me home. At the front of my home, we finally traded our drawings and he asked for a kiss unexpectedly. This made me nervous and I don’t think I did a good job. We tried again and then he kissed me on the cheek while I kissed his jaw because I couldn’t reach. I was also holding onto stuff so it made me uncomfortable. Hopefully I’ll do better next time.

second date

The second date was well-planned with more events. We met up at College Station and I got lost while following a crowd into a mall. I decided to hide in Carlton Cards while looking at plush animals and text him my coordinates. He finally found me and we went on our way. It was a windy day (which I warned him about) but instead, he took advantage of it to hold onto me. Also, he asked me what I was listening to and I decided to show him my limited phone music list, despite my embarrassment. My earphones kept falling off him because of the height difference so we used his silicone one. Sadly, when we got excited and saw a dog park, the silicone part of his earphone fell off and disappeared into the windy weather. I felt bad and apologized, but he said it was no big deal because he forgot to tell me that it was loose to begin with. We arrived at the Allan Gardens Conservatory and felt warmer in the tropical greenhouse. A nice Japanese lady named Yukari quickly notified me of my dropped presto bus pass hiding under the leaves. We thanked her profusely and happily greeted her everytime we met again in the maze of a garden. The flowers and plants were beautiful and well-kept. I took pictures of everything i can before I realized that my phone was dying of battery at 26%. He wanted me to take a picture with me everytime he got the chance to and I felt shy. He insisted and the photos together actually turned out quite nicely. He even got the Japanese lady to take a photo of us with a green easter rabbit. We roamed around and he made me read plant descriptions out loud, while he took that chance to put his arm around me.  We took turns reading and then somewhere along the lines, we ended up observing each other’s hands. He stated that I had small hands while his was longer by one phalange. We stayed in the greenhouse until the weather was less windy and then linked arms again outside. He took this chance to hold my gloved hands but since it was too cold, we went back to linking arms closely. We passed by a ramen place on the way and I spontaneously decided to try it because the other place where he wanted to go was a little far to walk, despite the good reviews he researched. Maybe another time. We had a warm bowl of ramen and soup, which matched the weather well. He took pictures of me with the bowl and later on said he liked it the best. We ate and I discovered that he liked brussel sprouts because of its ball shape and we laughed. I gave him more brussel sprouts for the sake of it. Sadly, I couldn’t finish the bowl because I ate a little bit before I came. He paid for the dinner despite me offering to pay because I choose the place. He said he’ll let me pay on the third date (we’ll see what happens), which I believe is also a prelude to saying he’ll want to see me again. Anyways, we left the store as he continues to open doors for me. We slowly made our way to the AGO with his phone map using data. We hid in a mall at first and then decided to take the subway there to shorten the walk in the wind. He did not wear enough so I offered my scarf which I think suited his attire. We held hands and ran to the AGO entrance because it got windy again. That was fun. Once inside, we explored all the public floors and occasionally held hands when it was just the two of us. He liked intertwining our fingers. I got a little excited exploring all the paintings that I acted like a little hyper kid wanting to see and touch everything. I even sat on a wheely thing because there was no sign or tape saying not to touch. The security guard walked over and glared a bit so we ran off laughing. As we climbed the stairs, I sprung up to race him but he said he was “slow”. However, he was never too far behind. I got a little tired of walking and sat down from time to time. He asked about driving and I admitted that I passed my G from long ago while he just got his G2. He also asked about the type of car my family drives. A little while after, we felt hot from all the walking so we decided to take our coats off but there was no coat hanger so I worried a bit. He offered to hold our coats and scarf like a gentleman. I worried about his arm being tired and he joked with a “don’t offend me, I can switch arms. The weight is 90% my coat. Your coat seems to be down feathered and light”. He carried it throughout the tour and then we went to the gift shop for fun. When we decided to go out into the cold for the bookstore, I offered my scarf again and wrapped it around him. While doing that, he took the chance to hug me by surprise. I secretly blushed as I did not expect that and tried to shy away from his frontal view while still wrapping the scarf around him properly. He didn’t try to hug me again like that. Afterwards, we decided to go to a BMV used bookstore which had tons of great books for lower price. I loved it but didn’t want to buy anything at the moment because he did not want to get his book due to its poor condition. Since it was cold, we held hands again and he stated “this is nice”, which I agree it felt nice. We tried to find a hot drink and settled with tim hortons for a french vanilla. Again, he paid for it. We talked some more before I realized that the time was getting late. I found 10 cents and gave it to the homeless guy opening the door for people. We went on the subway home and listened to his spotify music while putting the earphone in our outside ears.

Overall, he seems happy to have found someone to just do stuff with him. I still wonder how far he’ll want to take it as I have taken a liking to him but I wonder if it’s still too early to ask. Does he want exclusivity from me or not (because I still have a few people asking me out)? What is his stance on this relationship now? What should I do?

first date

The first date was so nerve-wrecking for me.  I arrived early and decided to await in the pharmacy to test out my blood pressure. Boy, was it high! I usually have low blood pressure but this was borderline hypertension.  I was so nervous and physically exhibiting symptoms.  When he arrived and texted me his location, it made me laugh.  He texted me his exact coordinates VERY clearly with a description of his clothes, like some sort of treasure hunt. It was so cute and funny to me. I decided to mirror him and gave him my coordinates in a similar format. He found me sitting in the blood pressure chair and I jumped when he said hi. My blood pressure spiked as well. I awkwardly got up and greeted him. We walked and then I admitted I was nervous that my blood pressure soared. He became curious and wanted to try as well so we went back to the machine. He sat down and I explained to him how to work the machine. He laughed nervously and said that maybe it won’t be accurate because we just met for the first time. His blood pressure measurement was as high as mine as well. We both laughed and then went on our way to the restaurant he booked. Yes, I said “booked”. This was one of the cause of nervousness too because I originally did not want to come out to any dates and managed avoid two on Tuesday but since this guy said he “reserved” a time on Wednesday, I was stuck as I did not want to seem impolite and blow him off. The date turned out fine though. The restaurant was a little crowded and we were placed in the middle with people to both sides. I was too nervous to even properly read and decide what to order on the tiny menu. Thankfully, the guy said he looked into yelp and reviewed what was best to order and asked if it was okay if he ordered everything. I was relieved and said “Please go ahead. I have no idea what I am doing”. During the wait, we talked a bit and he asked if I drink alcohol and I said no. He said “good, I approve” and seemed pleased. I gave a confused “what” face and chuckled. He was a weird and funny guy. We talked about his return from Australia and random topics here and there. I eventually asked about the embarrassing thing he wanted to tell me. In the end, I did not find it a big deal and was more amused that he thought it was embarrassed about it. I thought he had a very cute and simple way of thinking. Funnily enough, he ordered oysters on the first date because it was the special. We each had two and felt a little embarrassed to eat it. We both couldn’t tell the difference in place.  At the end of dinner, he insisted on paying because it was the first date and he did not want me to “steal” it away from him. Afterwards, he insisted on having dessert at this other place he had in mind. We walked outside and I really enjoyed walking and talking with him. We talked about pets, his family, and his love of running (it kept popping up). We unexpectedly took a detour to the dessert place and visited petsmart for animals. We saw fish and cats. He seemed to take a liking to fish. Later, we found ourselves at the matcha dessert place and we shared two ice-cream. He thinks that I’m bit of a germaphobe and I tried to show him that I’m not. He fed me a bit of the waffle cup. We walked more and tried to find a park but it was too dark. We joked that we were thankful that we both did not turn out into serial killers or wild people. He said he told his best friend where he was and that I should do that too for safety, especially if I’m a girl. Then we went into a korean grocery store and roamed around more. It was getting late so I thought I should go soon. He seemed a little sad but gladly obliged to walk me to the subway. Before we went in, we decided to check out our blood pressure again and it was indeed a little lower and less worrisome. We laughed and then I was sent home on the subway after an awkward hug. Anyways, I thought it wasn’t bad and he was nice and cute. His interests seem similar to mine and I liked how he likes to plan everything. When I got home, I got a little worried that the ending wasn’t the best and that he might not text me again for another date. Thankfully, he texted me if I got home alright and then asked if I could save him another Wednesday for a second date. I happily obliged and looked forward to getting to know him a bit more.


Hopes for love

I don’t know if it’ll ever happen but I do hope to have someone that’ll love and accept me wholly as who I am and won’t get annoyed or let me go so easily. Someone I can be proud of and someone who is actually happy to spend time together with me, with similar interests. Someone I can be comfortable with and vice versa. Able to have deep conversations and connections with, while being emotionally available. But first, I need to look for that within myself. I need to learn not to have my happiness depend on someone else because I found that I can become obsessive which hurts me and the relationship in the end.

I hope these opportunities will knock loudly on my door one day soon. In the meantime, I’ll just do my best to live my own life.