Phobia from childhood

Old post that I found from when I was a kid:

I think I have insect phobia but only towards certain types of insects and only their visual aspects. I don’t faint or have a seizure as people with severe symptoms do, but I do have a hard time breathing and my heart palpitates very fast and my body shakes and goosebumps take over my skin. I will be fully aware of its presence and panic when it moves around that I will keep staring at the bug even if I don’t want to. I don’t know what’s the root of my problem but I think I was highly affected by my environment. Basically, I’m easily influenced by others. (not always good) I think the first thing that suggested insect fear was an anime called inu-yasha where the main heroine, Kagome, is scared of bugs. I think I wanted to imitate her so slowly this fear developed. Afterwards, I found that my peers (mostly girls) had this disgust of bugs too and I wanted to fit in so my fear of insects continued to progressively increase until it became so irrational that whenever I see the shape, color or movement of a bug, I will become scared and start to shake and my heart will start to pulse harder. The bigger the bug, the harder I shake and hyperventilate. I can handle small bugs such as mosquitos and fruit flies (and maybe flies) because they are harder to see now. But bugs that have shiny and glistering shells makes me irrationally scared. I’m quite frustrated because then I can’t think straight and I feel the need to distance myself from the insect as far as possible. The closer I get, the more scared I get, but I don’t mind being close to the insect once I’m used to it and that the insect doesn’t move.

I believe that this fear is completely and utterly irrational so much that I am very frustrated with myself every time this happens. Once this fear settles in, I always feel very angry at my own unreal thinking about my fear. I totally know that this is irrational and meaningless and completely stupid and makes me look foolish but the symptoms of this fear is hard to control when I’m presently in that kind of situation with the object of my fear. Normal people (such as the people in the my house) find me stupid when I’m in those situations and will not help me out, (except maybe my mother) because it’s just stupid because they know the insect will not attack me but I’m just throughly disgusted by it to the point that I fear it every single time. I really wish to calm down in these kind of situations. I’m very sorry that I bother other people because of own irrational thinking of this fear.    
This is stupid because people keep telling me that bugs are smaller than you so they are more afraid of us than we are afraid of them. I know , I know, but the fear still creeps in.

Au revoir! Ni hao! Good bye! ^_^

Dream: July 17, 2019

I dreamed about rolling around in flour on a large table in an apartment.  There was also a fish tank where I fed some little fish. The tank cracks and the water flowed out along with the little fish. I scoop up the fish to save them. Then I’m in the middle floor of an apartment or condo, rolling on a table marked by a snowflake symbol.  The table was covered in flour and I’m rolling around the flour while wearing a dark coat. I get up and walk around the apartment to look around.  Then I wake up.

How to handle me being upset

I have times when I feel upset.  I just need time to go through those feelings so let me be.  It’s a natural reaction to things that don’t go your way.  I just need time to process it and then I can let it go.  Don’t let me dwell on it too much though.  Let me distract myself or help me with it.  Give me some space and time to think it through.  Let me listen to some music to drown it out, laugh at something funny, forget about it for a while and then I’ll come back up and be okay, thinking it wasn’t that big of a deal after all.  Hopefully.

I wonder when I can ever grow up from it.  Maybe eventually but right now, I just need to feel validated for feeling my feelings first. Then, I can properly process it and see the whole picture and eventually, the positive side of it all.

 

Blown off

I was blown off last minute by him today because apparently his mom ordered him food at home and he was tired. I understand the tiredness but some notice would be nice as it would be respectful to the other party. “Have mercy on me” he says, makes it sound like he’s the victim here…why? I was the one feeling hurt and I’m just trying to be honest with my feelings when you asked. It’s completely normal for me to feel this way so why are you letting me doubt myself?

Of course I would feel slightly peeved about being blown off last minute. Someone told you that they would be meeting you so you prepare for that meeting. Then, they tell you last minute that they decided to not go anymore due to some lame excuse like “mom ordered me food”.  You don’t think that would hurt a little? Especially since I made the effort to make food.

Give me some right to feel a bit upset too. The way he puts it is like I’m in the wrong for feeling mad. I don’t even know how to explain it to him. Just saying “Don’t feel peeved”, doesn’t just magically make the feelings go away. It’s like telling a depressed person “Just don’t feel sad” and poof, you magically expect them to suddenly be happy? Geez, why doesn’t it ever work so easily, right?  All I need from you is for you to validate these feelings and let me some time to process it. Then I distract myself, laugh at something random and then it’s not such a big deal anymore. That’s how I handle it so give me some sympathy too. I can understand the tiredness of overwork so just be honest about it, not some lame excuse like “my mom ordered me food”. I made effort too because I care but I guess I now know how much he cares back.

From this, I’ve learned what his priorities are in life. Anything his mom says will be first and foremost. Then work or his favourite basketball game. I don’t think I matter anymore as I feel taken for granted at times.  Like he expects my time to always be open to accommodate him or something. Yet when he blows me off, he expects me to still be okay with it? Like I have no right to feel upset about something? As if feeling upset is not allowed and will “deduct points” because I’m somehow supposed to never be honest with these natural reactions. Let me feel my feelings for once and just give me some time to process it, okay?  Afterwards, I can understand your point of view and maybe be as understanding as you need me to be. Am I being crazy to think like this? You expect sympathy out of me for blowing me off, so why don’t you sympathize with how I feel for being blown off too then?

 

Dream: May 28, 2019

I dreamed about eating ice-cream at a free buffet with a friend.  It was nice and sweet.  It was the last hours of the free buffet so only the dessert booths were open. We tried to look for others and ended up looking for deer.  My friend tried to use a gun to shoot some deer.  I just hid behind.  Afterwards, my dream changed to being in a car driven by my uncle. He drove me to his new home which was a shack.  His wife handed me a bouquet of flowers and then we left to find my mom at an arcade.  Then I woke up.

Dream: May 27, 2019

I randomly dreamt about bees making honey. I was in one of those suits to prevent being stung, however, I did not have my face covered. I was not scared of being stung in the face. I went up to a rack with honey combs and took one out, dripping with honey. I let it fall into a jar and then scrapped as much as I could using the side of the shelf. I could see bees swarming around me but none of them wanted to sting me. They were just watching and waiting for me to finish my job. I filled a small jar of honey and then put the honeycomb back into the rack, leaving the bees alone. Then I crawled onto a roof of a house with an umbrella waiting for someone I don’t know. Then I woke up.

cute compliment

My boyfriend said something that I thought was so cute in the passing:

I was waiting for him outside the washroom and sat on a chair typing away at my phone. He comes out without expecting me to be there and looks around casually. He sees me and pauses for a second, then smiles and walks towards me. Once he reached me, he told me that the first thoughts that passed through his mind where “Who’s that pretty girl sitting over there? Oh wait a minute, she’s mine!” I thought that was kind of cute, open and flattering of him to say because it reminded me of this couple comic I saw online before. Afterwards, he gave me a tight hug before we held hands and walked back into the mall.

Lunch party: meeting his classmates

So my boyfriend took me to this lunch party of his gal-friend’s boyfriend twin birthday (I know, I was confused too). I was super nervous and freaking out internally because I had no clue what to expect. I did not know a single person and I was awkwardly seated in the middle space surrounded by his dental classmates/couples (I’m still not used to this couple idea). I seem to have a tendency to be super quiet in new group settings and I always worry if it looks like I am awkward and out of place. I just don’t know when to chip in or when to put a word in that carries the conversation so I just don’t even try. I am usually only good at one on one conversations rather than a big group. Even three people is pushing it for me sometimes…and this was 10!

I was so mentally and emotionally exhausted inside afterwards. I talked to the galfriends more at the lunch…actually it was more like they tried to talk to me first because I was too shy to speak up. I didn’t know what to say because I was overwhelmed by the amount of stimuli going on from different types of people. I wasn’t sure who to talk to first. I wanted to appear polite and everything but apparently it was low-key and I even brought a little gift card with my boyfriend. Seeing that no one else did, that worried me that it was a little too much.

Afterwards, we went to play billiards/pool right across from the sushi place. Initially it was bowling but then it changed to this after a quick suggestion. It was fun but the group got split up into two with an engaged couple against us. I did well in the first game but then I slacked up and was less competitive in the end because I didn’t want to win awkwardly by myself anymore. I still don’t feel used to my boyfriend in social settings yet and it feels like he’s pushing it to the next level here and there. I don’t know what to do but I do know that I need to push myself out of my comfort zone from time to time so I went with the flow. This time, I was so out of it and couldn’t hold a conversation for long. I felt bad because I usually can with strangers at work but I didn’t feel I was cool or confident enough to do anything. I honestly felt like I wanted to just go hide under a rock. I didn’t think I fit in well but apparently my boyfriend thinks I “did great”. Though he did ask me from time to time “are you doing okay?” so I might have appeared not okay to him. Maybe I’m just feeling unconfident then? I knew I froze up from time to time and I wonder if he can tell.

I think I learned that I shouldn’t talk to the other gal-friend’s boyfriend without permission with them being there. When saying bye to the birthday boy, we hugged and talked a little about work with my boyfriend there. He seemed like a nice person and apparently my boyfriend says he thinks I’m really nice too so I guess I didn’t do too bad. I don’t think I automatically clicked well with the other girlfriends because I was too quiet but they were nice and sociable. I just wasn’t sure who to talk to at first and I didn’t like being in the middle at all. I’m more of a sideline and wallflower kind of person at social gatherings so this was way out of my comfort zone. I just feel comfortable with listening and being quiet in groups so I just laughed along with other people’s jokes. It was interesting to observe my boyfriend telling jokes to the group, he seemed comfortable with it which was nice. The other engaged couple seemed like a power couple and was pretty cool but I felt like I couldn’t fit in because I was still trying to get used to the idea that I am part of a couple. For some reason, I still cringe at that romantic words like “couple”, “boyfriend”, “girlfriend”, etc. but they all seemed comfortable with it. I’m trying to get used to doing coupley things with my boyfriend without feeling awkward or uncomfortable, so having to do that in front of judging people is making me feel even more uncomfortable. Also, the fact that these people knew his ex is constantly at the back of my mind which made it even more worrisome for me.

I’m worried they won’t want to invite me out again because of my awkward first impression behaviour and I’ll feel bad that it’ll reflect badly on my boyfriend. I’m so sorry, man. However, I did give a fair warning to my boyfriend about how awkward and quiet I can get when meeting new people.

Right now, I just feel there’s an uncomfortable rift in me and I was so worried he was going to break up with me because of me doing horribly with his Australian mates. I felt it was a little premature for me but he was so excited to introduce me into his life and now I feel bad that I might have ruined it for him by being uncomfortable. I’m just doing my best. Please don’t give up on me.

Initial doubts

Why am I worried about this guy now?

So we had a little talk about our past again, which I found to be therapeutic. However, there were some issues that concern me now. One such issue is the fact that he still keeps in contact with his ex. Also, the important fact that he has not told his ex about him seeing another person. I asked why and he replied that it was because she is in a difficult situation at the moment and did not want to drop a bomb on her. I understand his sentiments but I still hesitated. This is telling me that he still has feelings for his ex so he’s unable to fully start anew or that he’s still immature when dealing with relationships. I know first hand how cutting things off will hurt at first but it’s honestly better that way now that I went through it. Another issue is that there are pictures of him and his ex all over his social media. I’m still too nice to ask for him to delete or untag them because I don’t want to seem rude or clingy. I just said that it shouldn’t matter but truth be told, it is still bothering me quite a bit. It’s making me not wanting to like him anymore because I feel a little hurt to see that. I know I should be more mature and not care but I still don’t like it and I can’t control these emotions. His residue and past still lingers publicly and it’s holding me back from fully committing to him. He wants me to date him exclusively but is he truly committed too? He says so but seeing his past around tells another story. I know it’s what made you who you are today but does it need to be public? Is there something wrong with me feeling like this?  I feel a dark cloud lingering over this new love and it’s eating at me. I never had this problem with my ex because he was pretty mature in these areas and would always cut his relationships clean so that both can move on sooner. I respected him in that way but probably because he has more experience. This guy still feels inexperienced in that sense and it might just be the downfall one day, which may be a pity to this blossoming relationship. Hopefully I’m just thinking too much…

Third date: big reveal

So he picked me up for the first time with his car after my meeting with an old friend. It was a little difficult trying to find each other at first because I was lost and he was guiding me through the phone to find his car. It was sort of fun and I felt like I was in a game. When I finally found it, he told me that it was his first time picking up a girl in a car and he seems delighted by this “landmark” he calls it. I just chuckled at his innocent remark. We went on our way and we chatted about our days. We went to Edwards Gardens via his phone map, which he was particular about. He said he won’t drive over the speed limit because he wanted to keep me safe. I was laughing internally by his cute remarks. We reached the park and walked around holding hands. But first, he hugged me and lifted me up because I was shorter. The walk was nice and relaxing but I was keeping the time in my mind because we had to reach the movie theatres by a certain time. We talked and in the passing, he said he liked me and I, him. He wrapped his arms around me on the bridge, which felt nice. We walked up some stairs to a little hut and explored a bit. When we got to the car and tried to leave the parking lot, there were a lot of cars going the other way so we went the other way. Suddenly the car started vibrating and he wondered if it was the road. This went on for a while until we almost reached the theatres where I looked into the car manual for the light. Apparently his brake was still on the whole time! We giggled and he felt so embarrassed by his mistake.  I tried to comfort him because it was alright to me. I found his awkward nervousness actually nice and refreshing because it meant he cared enough to not mess up, unlike my ex who cared more about looking cool. We made it to the theatre safely but I worry for his car a bit. Then we went to the theatre together. He pre-bought the tickets and selected middle seats which were nice. We watched “a Quiet Place” due to its good ratings (he likes things with good reviews). He ordered some popcorn without butter oil and pop to share. I learned about diet coke and coke zero having no sugar, which he preferred due to its effect on teeth. These facts are interesting to learn. He had trouble sliding his table out so I reached over to help him but it was stuck. While that happened, he patted me on the back and said “Hmm, I like this” in a frank and funny manner. The movie was tense, suspenseful and well-put together, enough for me to impulsively grab onto his arm and cuddle up to him a little. I felt embarrassed that I did that but he offered his hand each time for me to hold. I think I like the shape of his hands; long, smooth and flexible. He said he liked my hands too because of its softness and small size. Anyways, it was a cute and embarrassing moment for me. I think he enjoyed it and even said “we should watch more scary movies”, despite his fear of them. During most of the movie, he mostly froze, held my hands and laughed inappropriately as his coping mechanism. After the movie, we walked around the plaza and then went into his favourite store, Roots. He saw some socks on sale that he always wanted to get and insisted that I get the women’s equivalent to match him. It was a cute but embarrassing idea. I’ve never done something like this before with my ex. He did get me a pink t-shirt to match his blue souvenir t-shirt when he traveled for a bachelor’s party but that was the end of it. My favourite colour was blue though and my ex’s favourite colour was pink, so it sort of got switched due to the sizes.

Anyways, I offered to buy the socks as a celebratory gift for him getting two job offers recently. He was delighted and took up the offer. He said he always wanted to get those socks but never found them on sale. Eating with him still makes me uncomfortable because I’m constantly aware of having something stuck in my teeth with him. I’m trying to be more comfortable but it’ll take time. I don’t know why but I actually kind of hope this one lasts. Something about him just feels right because we’re similar in our thinking and interests, which was quite different from my last one. Though it’s an unfair comparison.

Next, we looked around for dinner and I suggested the congee queen that I used to frequent with my family. He tried many others before and was skeptical about the taste in different areas so was pleasantly surprised by the taste there. We worked together to figure out a good balance of food and again, ordered too much. Though it was a good balance of rice, meat and veggies. We packed and splited the leftovers. Before we left, I hinted at something I wanted to ask him but was too uncomfortable to because I thought it would be too early. He replied saying that I should tell him after we leave so we left the place and then asked me to just say it. I still couldn’t bring myself to ask and I shied away. Seeing my struggle, he took the chance to ask if I could be his girlfriend. I skipped a beat and said okay. He hugged me in delight and said he felt so lucky. I then explained why I said that I felt “conflicted” before in the restaurant because there were still other people asking me out but I didn’t feel like going. I thought that I should clarify with him first so I can move on and date others if he wasn’t sure what he wanted from me and was fine with me doing that. My original question was “did you want to date exclusively or not?” which I guess had the same context as being girlfriend and boyfriend. Throughout the night, I was still too shy to admit the new status while he was so happy to say “girlfriend’ to me all the time. We went into a gelato store and shared an icecream: strawberry and cookies’n’creme. He liked the strawberry flavour more. We held hands and talked about our past a little bit more. He said he had one previous 3-year relationship back in Australia during his schooling which was nice and supportive during the stress. However, there were fundamental differences that he knew wouldn’t work out in the end. I tried to ask but apparently they were more serious topics like the prospect of having children or not. I didn’t mind discussing these topics because it’s actually quite important to know but I backed off a bit because I worried it would make him uncomfortable discussing this so early. Anyways, we enjoyed our time and he said he didn’t want to leave but we had to because it’s getting late and I remembered he had work the next day. He hugged me some more and took me home. At the front of my home, we finally traded our drawings and he asked for a kiss unexpectedly. This made me nervous and I don’t think I did a good job. We tried again and then he kissed me on the cheek while I kissed his jaw because I couldn’t reach. I was also holding onto stuff so it made me uncomfortable. Hopefully I’ll do better next time.