reread

You know what? I was rereading some of my old posts and I realized that some things were a bit embarrassing and stupid. Looking back, I am now thinking how was I so foolish in writing these things? I embarrass even myself, especially those post about ‘love’ or ‘infatuation’. but hey, I’m still learning here so I may be a little naive in that area. Though from what I can see, I think my little emotional affair with that guy was just pure infatuation, nothing real or concrete. It was just an abstract emotional idea that consumed me for awhile. Now that I’m thinking for myself and living for myself, I’m starting to not be effected by him too much anymore. I admit that I do like the long conversations we can hold (but it’s rare for me to find someone to talk to for so long) but I now know that these conversations will never get anywhere; they’re just words to fill up time and boredom. Like a companion, I was just lonely and seeking someone to spill my thoughts. (and I think he too) Almost anyone would have done; as long as they don’t mind my words and weird personality. But I’ve learnt to value myself after that. I’ve learnt to respect myself and my dignity, so I’ve decided that I’m no longer emotionally depending on someone else ever again. I’ve got to experience the joy myself, not some joy caused by someone else. Rely on myself to learn these things and not always take someone else’s words for truth. I need to trust in my judgments and experience. (My memory may not be the best though. haha) Anyways, my time/opportunity with this friend passed. I’m no longer going back to chase anybody. I’m just going to let things go and go with the natural flow. I’m going to live in the now and learn to love/understand myself first from now on. 

The Seed of Infatuation

I missed you… your words, your ideas, your mind, your attention, your interest, your passion…

But most of all, I miss the memories that what that was shared.

When you revealed your heart to me, you also stole my heart. Please give it back if you’re not going to cherish it.

But I realized that I was only in love with the ‘idea’ of you. Not the ‘real’ you. It was an illusion conjugated in my mind, that consumed my thoughts.

You became an addictive drug for me and I just couldn’t get enough. It’s madness, I keep wanting more and more, while you’re unable to give and keep up with this desire.

I try to let you go, and indeed I tried, but then I always start to experience withdrawal symptoms when you’re gone for some time.

I became addicted to your words, your essence, your presence.

and this addiction was killing me everyday.

You populated my thoughts and everything I did reminded me of you.

It was killing me, and there’s no one else to blame but myself

Because I was the one who let you in.

I was the one who let down my walls,

and let you squirm your way into the crevasses of my mind/heart.

And once you got in, you planted a seed.

A seed that slowly grew into a passionate infatuation

But like with every passion, there will be smothering. (we all have to come back down.)

This growth scared me.

This plant that taken root continued to extend its roots with each interaction that I had with you.

It got deeper and deeper as we got closer and closer….

It’s become so deep that taking it out might just break my whole being.

You became an obsession, an unhealthy obsession.

I don’t like unhealthy things, so I try my best to get rid of it.

I distanced myself for a while, but it made my heart grow fonder.

The plant yearned for your touch, for your nurture, your interaction

and when you left, it dried up without your care.

We become enticed into this vicious cycle

You push, I pull; I push, you pull

A constant struggle that eventually stressed me out

I experienced both highs and lows from interacting with you.

and I know this is foolish of me, very much so… so I asked myself  one day

Why do I let myself drown in this repetitive game that goes nowhere

Why do I cling to a naive hope that this will last or that you’ll finally admit you feel the same way.

Maybe this flower was meant to be defective

maybe this wasn’t a flower, but a weed.

A weed with deep roots that won’t let go of my heart so easily

In the end , it was a fruitless pursuit

But I’ll learn from this

I’ll get over you eventually

 

because I WILL grow stronger from this…

I believe so

Memories are important

be it traumatic or pleasant

they will still teach us some important lesson

I may fall but there will be a day where I will pick myself up

Brush off this dust and stand taller than ever

And move on from my fears

I would admit that I liked you, in a way, my own delusional way…

but I’m letting it go now

because I’m done with you 

My time with you has gone

I finally woke up from this dream

this illusion,

this idea,

this infatuation…

This past is in the past

And I’m never looking back

Pleasant Italian encounter

Today I met an Italian while sitting on a bench at the mall. This old man came to sit on the same bench as me because he liked the bench that leaned against the wall. I offered to switch my seat with him because I had more of the wall behind me but he politely declined. Afterwards, we started an interesting and long conversation.

He started by explaining that he was waiting for his wife to finish shopping and I told him that I was waiting for my late friend. (Haha, we were both waiting for someone.)

Then we talked, mostly him talking actually, about how there’s fewer people at this mall today because of Black Friday. He told me that he comes here every Sunday to walk around with his wife but he gets tired easily because he’s getting old.

Somehow we managed to talk about his family, (how his wife is from the Philippines) and he even showed me a picture of his daughter. (Very beautiful woman I say.) She’s married now and around the same age as my mother. When his daughter travels, he says that he still pays for it because he said that when you die, you can’t take money with you so he might as well split it among his children while he still can. He also has three sons who are taking over his business in Canada.

Then, he went on talking about his almost 50 year old business. He told me that he builds apartment ventilation systems, furnace, and all the nitty gritty mechanisms behind building walls. He currently has over hundreds of men employed in his company and mentions that there are two hard working Chinese men who help build the stuff. He added that many of his Italian workers marry Chinese women because they were found to be ‘compatible.’ (I think he mentions this because I looked Chinese to him. Haha) He said that he almost sold his company once because he wanted to go back to Italy, but he’s now glad he didn’t because he would have been broke today if he did. His company is called ‘York Sheet Metal Ltd” and he tole me to look it up online when I have time. (I had no wifi connection at the moment.) He started his business in 1965 (He remembers dates very well) and came to Canada when he was about 17 years old. His first partner was a Scottish man. The Scottish man couldn’t pronounce his Italian name properly, ‘Vincenzo’, so he nicknamed him Jimmy instead and now everyone calls him Jimmy. Haha, he said that he should have be nicknamed Vincent instead because it’s more similar, but he says he’s fine with Jimmy now because it’s easy for people to remember. (Haha, he was quite funny.)

Our conversation was a bit choppy because we jumped from topic to topic, when filling the pauses in between, but he was nice enough to fill in the gaps with continuous conversation subjects.

He then taught me some basic Italian words such as ‘ciao’ for hi/bye, ‘buon giomo’ for good morning, ‘buon pomeriggio’ for good afternoon, ‘buona sera’ for good night, & ‘grazie’ for thank you. He even gave me some Italian chocolates with the word ‘baci’ on them, meaning ‘kiss’ in Italian. He says he carries them around to distribute to the nice people at the glasses shop he frequents. He had an extra one today so he gave it to me because he finds me nice too. (He’s such a sweet old man.) The chocolate had a quote inside: “Then, what is a kiss? ‘Tis a secret told to the mouth. -E. Rostand- #38” such a romantic. haha

Then we talked about his life in Italy. He said that Italy is shaped like a boot and that he lives right near the tip at the bottom of that boot. His house is by the ocean and he owns a boat there. He’s planning on going back to Italy in two weeks to celebrate Christmas there because the weather’s nicer, he finds.

After this nice long chat, his wife finished shopping for her makeup and came to pick him up. She said that she couldn’t find the foundation she wanted so they’ll have to go somewhere else. She thanked me for chatting with him but I say no need because it was fun talking to him. As he was about to leave, he turned and said jokingly that if we ever meet again then I can say that I have made an Italian boyfriend. (he’s such a flirt. Haha)

All in all, we had a very nice and long conversation going. I found him very sweet, nice and friendly, but a bit of a flirt too. Haha, but I learn a lot today; about Italy, him, his business and life. I find that you can always learn something new from everyone you meet in life. So yea, there you have it; my pleasant and interesting encounter with an Italian old man on a Sunday afternoon.

Depression…

Being depressed doesn’t mean you constantly feel sad.

Instead you feel nothing… absolutely no feeling at all.

You don’t feel any motivation whatsoever to do anything in your life.

You wake up each day with the no energy to even brush your teeth or to take care of yourself.

You lose interest in things, people and even yourself.

You have no desire for anything… even to breath.

You’ll rather die than to be stuck in this state forever.

You find no meaning in life and constantly seek to end this misery by one way or another.

You become obsessed with dying.

You’ll even try overdosing on a bottle of sleeping pills.

To your disappointment, you fail because the pills were too mild.

You’re blinded by your negative outlook so you fail to see the concern of your loved ones.

You begin to hate their care and their help continues to feed your negativity.

Is it isn’t just about having a bad day, it’s much worse.

You feel negative in any situation.

Your self-esteem is either crushed or non-existent,

So you feel vulnerable to everything,

You constantly interpret every event in a negative way,

Which makes you feel guilty about everything that happens to you.

You try to hide this with a mask of normality.

However, you forgotten how to smile genuinely.

Depression isn’t something you can gloss over and say ‘get over it’,

It isn’t just a ‘phase’ you eventually get through, 

Because when you’re in it, you feel like there’s no way out.

It comes and becomes akin to your lifestyle,

A lifestyle where you feel like you’re always breathing underwater,

With the weight of it crushing you with every move,

Until it disrupts your whole personality and way of life,

Depression can literally kill you.