lonely

I want a friend who I can be crazy and whatever with; no distance, pure understanding, no loneliness, companionship, loyalty, always there, want to always spend time together etc. To be honest, I’m lonely at heart. That’s probably why I’m writing so much nowadays. When I have no one to trust enough to tell these thoughts to, I resort to this anonymous blogging. How sad and ridiculous of me eh? I lone for that right person that can make me feel secure enough and would stay with me through thick and thin, even when we hit turbulent waters and start hating one another. To get close to someone is easy for me, but to ‘stay’ close to someone for a long time is difficult for me. I know that I get attach easily so I choose not to lean on anyone I can’t fully trust anymore. As a result, I feel lonely now because I can’t trust people enough to open my heart to anymore. The complexity inside of me is not for the fainthearted. I just need someone who can make me feel secure enough to show all sides of my personality without judgment because I have this hidden aggressive side that doesn’t quite match with my usual image. However in a way, I’m actually quite simple and easy to please. I can be vulnerable and weak, but I can also be strong during hard times. The problem with me is that I’m not consistent. I wish to be, but I get swung high and low at times all by myself. I’m not always emotionally stable. I have times where I just burst all happily and then suddenly I’m down to earth. I need someone that doesn’t take my outbursts too personally and just let it pass. I don’t always say what I really mean either. Sometimes, my real intentions are hard to decipher for a normal friend because I don’t always know what I want for myself too. I need someone stable, like an anchor for me, so that I can always have someone or something to go back to safely. Though I might get easily attached and dependent on someone if I feel secure with them, and the problem arises when that person pulls away or leaves when they are scared of my attachment because then this makes me even lonelier and disappointed and makes it hard for me to trust others again. Damn, all this sounds crazy and confusing. I sound so needy and worthless. Who would want to go through all this trouble to get to know someone like me?